what not to say

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
The driver got out of the other car... AND he was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "Okay then, which one ARE you?"

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I knew I had this in the bag. I was going to show up all of the other husbands and proove to my wife that she had made the right choice 17 years ago.
I stood up very proudly and proclaimed,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose! '

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

<a bit racist? but still funny>

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

A husband says to his wife, What would you do if I won the Lotto?

She says, I'd take half, then leave you.

Excellent, he replies, I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now hit the road.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

My wife & I were lying in bed the other night when I noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

I grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

My wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

I calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started ...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS AND THE INSTRUCTOR WAS IN FULL SWING.

THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND TELLING

THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.

THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.

"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"